Monthly Archives: August 2016

The Secret to Losing Weight

“I recently had my annual physical examination, which I get once every seven years, and when the nurse weighed me, I was shocked to discover how much stronger the Earth’s gravitational pull has become since 1990.” – Dave Barry

Apparently, if I don’t lose weight, I’ll die.

I had been having headaches for a while.  Some of them got pretty bad, and I’d have to lie down in the dark.  My wife, of course, kept “nagging” me to go and see my doctor about it.  (I use the term “nagging” to describe the three times in a six month period when she said, “You know, it might not be a bad idea to ask Matthew about it.”  Matthew is my doctor.  He let me start calling him Matthew to get me to stop calling him Dr. Assclown.)

The headaches got worse and worse.  It wasn’t uncommon to see me walking around squinting with one eye while the other eye was closed because of the pain.  The last really bad one was so bad, I couldn’t really function and lying down didn’t help at all – in fact, it wouldn’t let me sleep.  This is when my wife finally put her cute little foot down and demanded we go to the ER right then and there.

This was on a Tuesday night around 9:00PM.

If you ever decide to have a medical emergency, I highly recommend doing it on a Tuesday night around 9:00PM.

We get to an Urgent Care center near our house and find a doctor, a nurse, a tech and a receptionist… and nobody else at all in the building except for us.

Apparently, these people were bored, because we sat down to fill out the paperwork and had only just started when the nurse took the clipboard from me and gave it to the receptionist, hustled us into an exam room, had an IV in me and the doctor was standing there asking me about my headaches.  I’m not making this up.  The receptionist actually had to come into the room and ask us questions to finish filling out the forms for us.

As it turns out, blood pressure is actually a thing.

From what I’m told, my blood pressure should be at or under 120/80.  Mine was 170/110 and apparently was the source of my headaches.  They administered some IV meds and the headache almost immediately went away.

I followed up with Matthew about two weeks ago and asked the following question:

“Matthew, I have done tons of research on this stuff.  If you read 10 different books on weight loss, you’ll have 10 different opinions as to how to lose weight, and each opinion is backed up with scientific reports and medical opinions that corroborate the author’s opinion.  You’ve got guys who wrote books about why you should eat low fat whose books now tell you to eat high fat.  Guys whose books said to eat every two hours whose books now say to fast 18 hours each day.  Low fat?  High fat?  Low carb?  No carb?  Shakes?  Bars?  Who do I believe?”

Here’s what he said:

“If you want to lose weight, you have to do two things:  Eat less and exercise.  As far as what you should eat, cut out carbs.  For now, you’ll need to eliminate them almost completely.  As far as exercise, you need to exercise 30-45 minutes per day, five days per week.  If you want to lose weight, you have to do both things.”

So, a few days later, I started walking… about 30-45 minutes per day and am on track to average 5-6 days per week.  About four or five days ago, I eliminated almost all carbs from my diet.  I’ve started to lose weight and I’m feeling pretty good.

Who knew that eating less and exercising would work?

I should write a book.