On Owning Pets, Part 3 – The Revenge of The Replacement Dog

“There are all sorts of cute puppy dogs, but it doesn’t stop people from going out and buying Dobermans.” – Angus Young

You might ask me, “What are the consequences of allegedly causing the death of a vibrating Pomeranian and then letting the carcass be stolen?”

Funny you should ask.

The consequence of course, is The Replacement Dog.

The Replacement Dog is specifically designed to punish the so-called Grim Reaper of Vibrating Pomeranians (GRVP) while at the same time attempting to fill the void left in Medusa’s life due to the VP’s untimely demise.

Once the VP died, Medusa immediately began the hunt for the best Replacement Dog she could find. The criteria, of course, being A) it had to be WAY more expensive than the VP and B) the GRVP (me) had to hate it. So, she settled on buying a $1,500 Yorkshire Terrier from an exclusive (read: “expensive”) local breeder. I have to admit, the dog was super-cute. Of course, she was also temperamental and emotional and would act out if she was the slightest bit upset. (I’m talking about the Yorkie, although I got confused because it sounds like I’m talking about Medusa… eerie how similar their personalities were.)

We had the dog for about a week when she tried to climb out of her little fenced in area and broke and dislocated one of her front elbows. I was driving to a customer site halfway across the state when I get this call:

GRVP: “Hello?”
Medusa: “The dog broke her leg trying to climb over her fence.”
GRVP: “Wow. What did the vet say?”
Medusa: “I brought her to see a Veterinarian Orthopedic Surgeon.”
GRVP: “A what?”
Medusa: “A Veterinarian Orthopedic Surgeon.”
GRVP: “I didn’t even know they made those.”

So, the initial surgery was going to be $700. And, I was told in no uncertain terms, if this dog was put to sleep there would be another Replacement Dog. So, the dog underwent surgery and had a cast for a few weeks. Of course, when she went back for the follow-up appointment, the vet decided the leg wasn’t healing correctly, so more surgery was needed. Luckily, this time it was only $500. This brings the total investment in The Replacement Dog to $2,700, or about $8,000 per pound.

Another thing about this dog that really annoyed me was that it was trained to potty inside the house. Yeah… why have the dog go potty outside when you can train it to stain the carpets and make the house reek of urine? Basically, we kept little potty pads in her little fenced-in area in our laundry room. Whenever the dog was upset, which was roughly every day, she would poop and pee right next to the pad, conscientiously avoiding getting the pad dirty. As time went by, Medusa decided she didn’t like the dog that much because it hadn’t really bonded with her. (Insert joke about temperamental bitches not getting along here.) Plus, the dog was inconvenient as it kept keeping its pads so clean.

The end result was some friend of a friend of Medusa ended up getting a free $2,700 dog.

Believe it or not, this wasn’t the worst dog-related decision Medusa made.



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